A Galaxy Far, Far, Away, Where No One Has Gone Before

An Original (mostly) Star Wars/Star Trek parody Story

by: Zutroy

Part 1: Encounter At Some Boring Planet

The U.S.S. Enterprise is heading out on another mission, far into the depths
of intersellar space. Magically, we hear Captain Picard's log entry, although
he is on the bridge at the time, talking to other people...weird.

Captain's Log: StarDate...oh damn, i can never figure that stardate crap out.
               Anyways, we've just completed another boring-as-hell mission...
               (to computer) Computer, make this a Private Log..i don't want
               Starfleet hearing that last comment.

Computer: Command Acknowleged, sending Log to Starfleet High-Command.

Picard: No damn you. (on communicator) - Geordi, this damn hunk of junk 
        computer is busted again.

Geordi (over communicator): $%^$* I just replaced the main computer data banks
                            the other day! Now I'm gonna have to start all
                            over. Can't you get Starfleet to buy some real
                            computers...I mean enough with these stupid Macs,
                            lets get some real power!

Picard: Agreed. Picard Out. 

Worf: (who is standing at tactical) Sir, we are approaching the planet.

Picard: Very good. Engage impulse engines.

Worf: Aie sir.

Data: Sir, I am detecting a rather strange ship in this sector...I detect a
      large assortment of heavy modifications. Powerful weapons and shields..
      Class - Unknown.

Worf: Shields Up!

Riker: Shut up Worf! You don't have the authority to give that order...
       (suddenly notices the ship bearing down on them) errr Red Alert! 
       Shields Up! 

Picard: Good call Riker.

Riker: What? It's the only smart thing to do.

Data: Sir, I'm afraid you are incorrect. I have been studying the past 
      4,657,345 Federation encounters with alien life forms, and out of those
      only 361,123 of the Commanders in charge, went to Red Alert.

Riker: Err, ahh, soo, umm (blushes).

Wesley: That shade of red doesn't go well with your uniform....SIR!

Riker: Oh get lost Wes (pulls out Disruptor [illegal in most of the galaxy]
       and sends Wes to a painful death). 

Picard: Thanks Number One...(mumbles to self) I don't know how that child got
        to work on the bridge anyway...

Data: Sir, the ship...

Picard: Ah, yes...umm, gee I wonder what we should do. 

Worf: What about our weapons? We are defenceless without them!

Picard: Oh, well of course, arm all weapons...what are we stupid? You don't
        go into a dangerous situation thinking a little chit-chat will solve
        everything for you. Con - Bring us about, set coordinates for that
        ship. Get me there as fast as you can...engage!

Data: (2 seconds later) We're here.

Picard: Damn that was fast!

Con: You said to go as fast as I could!

Geordi: (over communicator) What the hell are you doing up there? You just 
        blew the engines! I think you hit warp 24! Impossible! Man, we're 
        gonna need a jump start to get going here!

(Large burst of static over all frequencies. Suddenly a new voice comes over the communicator)

Voice: Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Picard: Who is this? What's your opperating number?

Voice: uhhh...

Picard: What's going on here?

Voice: We had a slight weapons malfunction..but everything's perfectly all 
       right...we're fine, we're all fine here...now...how are you? (in 
       background you here a fierce growl and then a quiet DOH!)

Picard: uhh, I'm fine thank you...who may I ask am I speaking to?

Voice: General Han Solo, New Republic Fleet. Who are you?

Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Star Ship Enterprise.

Han: Ah..Federation? Humm, never heard of you. Just a second, we've got to
     discuss this in commitee.


Picard: Ah yes. (to Worf) Screen Off. Well Number One, this certainly is

Riker: Yes, do you think they are hostile?

Data: Sir, I have analysed there attack formation, and there is a danger.

Picard: Are you saying we should flee in terror? Over one puny little ship???

(All of a sudden, dozens of ships fall out of lightspeed. Star Destroyers and
and thousands of Imperial Fighters fill the sky. From another angle, tons of
Calamari Cruisers, and X-Wings run rampant).

Data: Ahh, sir...I think you should report to sick bay.

Picard: What?? We are under attack, and you want me to hide in sick bay?

Data: Well sir i fear for your vision. You saw only 1 ship, yet there are
      litteraly thousands out there.

Picard: (to Doctor Crusher) - Doctor if you please?

(Doc walks over and shuts off Data)

Picard: Thank you. Mr. Worf, get me General Solo.

Solo: Ya what? I'm kinda busy here.

Picard: So you are saying this isn't a trap? You aren't trying to destroy us?

Solo: Nope. You see, those guys over there are Imperials. They can get 
      pretty annoying at times. (growl in background again) But it's ok, our
      re-inforcements should be able to handle them.

Picard: Ok then, we're outta here. Mr. Data...wait, he's gone..Mr. Crusher...
        no he's dead...damn, I can't leave! Oh well, I guess we'll help you. 
        Mr. Worf, fire at will!

(Worf pulls out phaser and points it at Riker)

Riker: No! Don't shoot me! ARGH!!! (dies as phaser hits him in the head).

Worf: Ooops! Damn these stupid human expressions.

Picard: Looks like I have to do everything myself. Lets see here..ah FIRE!

(Ships phasers flash out again, and again....destroying the Rebel Forces!)

Han: You idiot! You just wiped out all our forces! Damn you!

Voice 2: Shut up you nerf herder...let me talk to him. Picard, this is 
         Ambassador Leia Organa Solo.

Picard: Terribly sorry about that...maybe Data was right about my vision.

Leia: Ah yes, but we are in terrible danger. It's out most darkest hour. Help
      me Jean-Luc Picard. You're my only hope!

Picard: Ah, what the hell. Why not?

Han: We don't need your damn help! As General of the New Republic Forces, I 
     hereby officially declare war on the Federation. Chewie, lets toast this

(Han takes his ship into dozens of fancy moves that would have killed a normal
pilot within 10 seconds. But Han, being such a skilled pilot, manages to wipe
out the entire Imperial Fleet, leaving only him and the Enterprise.)

Picard: Wholly Crap! That guy can fly!

Han: That's not all I can do....hey Picard..KISS MY WOOKIEE!

(Han brings his ships around, and launches 2 concussion missiles on the Enterprise)

Picard: Geordi get us outta here! NOW! Oh, and get me some tea....earl gray,

(Just as the missiles are about to hit, the Enterprise shoots off into the depths of Space).

Part 2: I don't know where you get your delusions laser brain!

(-------------------------On board Millenium Falcon-------------------------)

Leia: I don't know where you get your delusions laser brain. That ship could
      have been on a diplomatic mission.

Han: Don't act so surprised your highness. We weren't on any mercy mission 
     this time. Those morons attacked, and destroyed our entire fleet! I had
     no option but to decalre war.

Leia: Oh, I agree with you on that point...but what's all this crap about him
      Kissing Your Wookiee?

Han: Inside joke.

Leia: Oh...and you Luke, what do you think?

Luke: I sensed a strange presence on board that ship. It was definately 
      female. I wonder if it could have been another Jedi?

Leia: Well, we'll never know. We're at war with them.

Luke: But if she's a Jedi, I must talk to her!

Leia: And what if she's a Dark Jedi?

Luke: Crap, got me there. Ya, she could be another Darth Vader...man that 
      would suck.

Han: Got that right. I'm not in the mood to spend another few months frozen
     in carbonite.

Chewbacca: ROAR!

Threepio: Chewbacca says that we should stop arguing, and plan an attack. 
          Althought, I don't understand why we are fighting these people. They
          seem nice enough....

(Leia reaches over and shuts Threepio off)

Han: Thank you. I think Chewie is right. But first, we need to make a few 

Leia: This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past the Enterprise.

Han: She's got a few surprises left in her. Ok, Chewie, you go check on the
     shield generator. I'll pull the weapons apart, and make a few special
     modifications. Leia, take the professor into the back, and plug him into
     the hyperdrive.

Leia: Ya, I hope that thing is working today.

Han: Don't worry. I checked it out myself. 

Leia: That's what I'm afraid of.

Luke: I gotta go meditate. Let me know when were gonna attack.

Han: Sure thing kid. (Luke rushes off). And you think I'M the one that gets
     delusions? Gee, I've never seen that kid worry so much.

Leia: Oh well..it must be one of those Jedi things.

Han: Yup, ok lets go.

Part 3: Dazed and Confused

(as the Millenium Falcon blasts into hyperspace, the Enterprise crew is left to prepare for battle) (-------------------------On the Bridge of The Enterprise--------------------) Picard: What's a "Wookiee"? Doc: I have no idea. And what was all that growling in the background? Picard: Hmmm, we need an expert. Doctor, revive Commander Data. Data: Gee, that wasn't very nice of you. (pouts) Picard: Commander Data, I order you to stop pouting. Now, tell me everything you know about a "Wookiee". (Silence follows for the next 30 minutes) Picard: Well Data? Hurry up, I haven't got all day! Oh crap, you're busted again eh? Or have you gotten into the Romulan Ale again? Data: No Captain, you instructed me to tell you everything I knew about a "Wookiee", and I have no such knowledge, so I could not tell you anything. Picard: Damn you Data. Learn to be more human. All personnel to the main lounge. (Now in the main lounge) Picard: Damn it's packed in here... Data: There are 1,725 people in this room. Picard: WHAT?!?! Why? Data: You said for all personnel to come here. Picard: Crap. I meant all "important" personnel. (everyone leaves, save the bridge crew) Picard: Much better. Ok, now we can start this meeting. Any old news? Worf: Well, my son is finally doing well in school... Picard: How is this relevant? Damn it Worf, no one cares. Ok. What can you guys tell me about this guy and his ship? Geordi: Well they've got engines like we've never seen before. That one little ship could out run half the starfleet. And the weapons? Wholly crap! They are a serious threat to us Captain. Worf: I say we arm all weapons and initiate the Kumar manouever. Picard: Well that would certainly do the job. Thanks. Everyone to your posts. Looks like we'll be burning the midnight oil on this one. Data: Oil sir? Igniting petroleam on board the ship would cause... Picard: Oh shut up! It was an expression. Data: An expression of what? Picard: Oh I'll give you an expression..... (BOOM! Ships rocks and crew falls in different directions) Picard: Bridge, what the hell was that? (no response) Picard: Bridge? BRIDGE?? Data: The entire bridge crew is in this room, sir. Picard: Oh CRAP!!! Everyone to the bridge! Part 4: Sir, the odds of successfully attacking an Galaxy Class Starship are... (-----------------------------On board Falcon--------------------------------) Leia: Wow! That got em! Han: Ya, but they're gaining on us. Luke: I though you said this thing was fast? Han: Ha, sure whatever kid. I know a few manouevers, we'll clean their clocks. Chewie: ROAR! Han: Right, right...shields up. Picard (over comm): Damn you Solo. This means war! Han: Aren't you gonna try to talk your way out of it wuss boy? Data (butting in): The odds of successfully attacking a Galaxy Class Starship are approimatly 3720 to 1! Han & Threepio: Never tell me the odds! Han: You'd better watch out baldy! (sets ship on a collision course) Data: Look out! (Falcon narrowly missed Enterprise, then dissapears) (-------------------------on Enterprise Bridge------------------------------) Picard: Where'd they go? Track them! Data: ...no ship that small has a cloaking device... Picard: Well duh! They must be around here somewhere. Con: Gulp...umm, Captain sir...I'm sorry, but it appears that we've lost them. Picard: WHAT! (pulls out phaser, sets it to MAXIMUM KILL and blasts Con into oblivion) Picard: Apology accepted Con. (-----------------------------On Board the Falcon----------------------------) (----------------Which is attached to the hull of the Enterprise-------------) Threepio: Wow sir, what a brilliant manouver. Han: Ya know, sometimes I amaze even myself. Leia: That doesn't sound too hard. When someone on that big ship decides to look out a window, and sees us just sitting here attached to them, they'll blow us out of the water! Han: We aren't in water...but anyways, don't worry...I've got a plan! Luke: Ya right...I've been on the wrong end of your "plans" before. Han: But this time it'll work! Trust me. Luke: I guess I have no other choice.....

Part 5: Through the looking glass

(-------------------------In the hallways of the Enterprise------------------) Red Alert sirens screeming for attention all around her, Deanna Troi walked quickly to Ten Forward. Troi: (to herself) Gee I must look like a horse when I walk...and a cheer- leader when I'm just standing around...I gotta get a life. Maybe a drink in Ten Forward will help. And perhaps Guinan can help me out. Her pace picks up (to a slow gallop now) as she enters Ten Forward. Troi: Boy it's dark in here today! Guinan: Ya it is. I think somebody closed the windows or something. (gesturing to the dark windows). Troi: umm ya. Hey Guinan, can you help me get a life? Guinan: Gee, I don't know...these things you have to do for yourself. Troi: But can't you help me out a little bit? You're always so good at these sort of things. Guinan: Humm, well that's cuz I got this cool book called "How to psycho- Analize Your Friends". Troi: AH HA! I knew it...umm, so what does it say? Guinan: It says, and I quote "You must look for light within the darkness. Your most terrifing foe is the dark. Escape the evil, and flush in the light" ...wow, that's deep. Troi: Hmmm, do you think it means the darkness in here? Guinan: Could be....Transporter room 3...ENERGIZE! (she beams out, leaving Troi alone) Troi: Gee what'd she do that for? Oh well. Humm..foe is darkness...look for light...humm what can it mean. (walks closer to the darkened windows) Could it be this? Strange. (looks closer at the windows). Wait.... WHAT'S THAT???? (she looks out and sees Han waving back at her!) That's it!!! Troi to Captain..I've found the Falcon sir! Picard: WHERE!??!? Troi: Attached to our hull outside Ten Forward! Picard: Good job! You'll get a promotion for this! Data: Damn, that guy is so unpredictable. There was a 234234 to 1 chance he'd try that move. Troi: Finally....Troi Out....wait? What's that? I sense something..a presence I've not felt since...

Part 6: The jig is up!

(-----------------------------Back on the Falcon-----------------------------) Han: Chewie, fire up the converters and get us ready for take off! Leia: The Enterprise will blow us up in a second! Han: Sit down sweatheart, we're taking off! Leia: Han, where's Luke? Han: I dunno. Luke? LUKE??!?!? (All of a sudden one of the Falcon's escape pods flashes out towards the Enterprise) Han: Ah, bantha dung! What's the kid up to now? (---------------------------On board the escape pod--------------------------) Luke: (to himself) I must find out who she is...if she is another Jedi, then maybe I can turn her from the Dark Side. She would become a powerful ally. Han: (over comm) Luke! You get back here! NOW! Luke: I can't do that Han. I've got to find out who she is. Han: Who who is? Luke: HER! I sense another Force user on board that ship. Han: Luke, this is suicide! Luke: haha, Han, when have you ever not done something suicidal? I'll be fine, save yourself. Leia: Ok Luke, if you know what you're doing.

Part 7: Luke, luck, and lightsabers

(----------------------------Back on the Enterprise--------------------------) Data: They're launching a ship! Picard: Ready tractor beam. Bring it into docking bay 3. Worf: Security (aka Disposible Extras) team to docking bay 3! (As the escape pod lands softly into docking bay 3, the security team prepares for a fight, becase as Data claimed, the odds that this is an attempt to destroy the Enterprise from within...are pretty damn good!) Luke: Away with your weapons, I mean you no harm. Guy In Red Shirt #1: Shut up. Put your hands up! Luke: (sighs) Looks like I'll have to do this the hard way...common wimp! Do your worst! (all 10 security guards rush Luke. With a snap-hiss of an activating light- saber, Luke quickly disposes of the disposable extras) Luke: Now, with a little Luck, maybe I can find 'her' and leave. Common Force don't let me down! (with a little concentration, Luke, following the Force, heads into the ship looking for the misterious female) Force: Left, no right...STRAIGHT! Luke: Damn it, can't you give better directions? Force: Sorry..ok, in that room there. Luke: Thanks. (presses door-bell...theme to Fraggle Rock plays) Voice: Enter (Luke enters the room, and comes face-to-face with 'her') Troi: YOU! Computer intruder aler... Luke: No! Stop! I am on a mission of peace. I feel the conflict within you. Troi: There is no conflict. Luke: Yes, I can feel it. Let go of your anger, and join me! Troi: Don't make me destroy you. Luke: It is the only way. Please, with our technology, you won't walk like a horse anymore! Troi: Really? Luke: YES! Troi: Umm, Ok! Why not. Luke: Good, now we must steal a ship and return to the Falcon. Troi: No, I know a faster way.

Part 8: No! No, that's not true...that's impossible!

(---------------------------Still on the Enterprise--------------------------) Data: Sir, sensors report Councellor Troi and the intruder heading for transporter room 3! Picard: Crap...that dumb cheerleading horse. I'll get her yet..and her little dog to! (Picard drools) Data: Sir! The Falcon is moving into attack position! Picard: Shields up! Worf: Shields off-line. Picard: No! No...that's not true....that's impossible! Worf: Well..ummm (blushes)..er...soo..umm, well it's kinda my fault sir. You see I was trimming my finger nails with my phaser, and I kinda missed and hit the main shield array. Picard: You IDIOT! Data: Sir, they are launching multiple missiles! Sir, communication for you. Picard: On Main viewer. Han: (on viewer) Hey Picard! Picard: What? Han: KISS MY WOOKIEE!! Picard: Damn you Solo!..... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The Enterprise is destroyed in a massive explosion. All hands lost.

Part 9: What? No Wait..Whew!

(---------------------------------Coolio Falcon again------------------------) Han: Hahahaha, another one bites space-dust. Threepio: Sir, you have succesfully reduced him to meaningless particules. Han: Gee, it's a good thing you're here to tell us these things. (looks over at Leia)...I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew... Leia: He wasn't...I can feel it. Luke: Han! Hey!! Whew, you didn't give us a second to spare! Han: Luke! Thank goodness you're ok! ..wait...what do you mean 'us'? Troi: Hello Captain. Han: What? Is this the 'presence' you felt? Luke: Yes. Han: What? You brought a Dark Jedi on board my ship... Luke: No! Wait, she's of the Light. Han: Whew! Ok, Chewie, I think we've seen enough of this part of space...lets get home. Prepare to jump into hyperspace on my mark. Chewie: Roar! Han: Now! (nothing happens) Han: DAMN! Stupid hyperdrive motivators, damn things never work. Luke: Han, beware, anger is of the Dark Side. Han: Ya, ya whatever. I just want to get home. I feel like I've gone where no one has ever gone before. Troi: And I feel like I'm in some galaxy far, far away from my home. Luke: You don't know the half of it! Chewie: ROAR! (smashes the console with a huge furry arm) (With a flash of pseudo-motion, the Falcon jets into hyperspace)
CREDITS Story By Zutroy Original Dialogue From Star Wars© Star Trek© Date Completed 01.03.96 (Stardate: oh, i dunno) Distributed By Zutroy Enterprises Based on an Original Idea By Zutroy and Ramman Llamas Provided By Harvy's Rent-A-Llama Music By (you gotta imagine it) John Williams CAST Han Solo....................Bill Clinton Luke Skywalker..............Arnold Schwartenager Princess Leia...............Princess Diana Chewbacca...................Big Foot Threepio....................Bill Gates Picard......................Donald Trump Data........................The Six Million Dollar Man Riker.......................Bob Hope Guinan......................Sigmund Freud Worf........................Zippo the Turtle Wesley Crusher..............Webster Dr. Crusher.................Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Troi........................Willy Shoemaker Con.........................Madonna This Story is decicated to: Those who remember, those who will never forget, and those who will experience Star Wars for the very first time and To the memory of Gene Roddenberry This hilarious Story is protected under the laws of Canada and other countries. Unauthorized duplication, distribution, or exhibition may result in civil liability or criminal prosecution. HA HA, IN YOUR FACE! An Original Zutroy Enterprises Production Copyright © 1996-2002 All Rights Reserved "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe" - unknown