C:DOS
C:DOS RUN
RUN DOS RUN
RUN RUN RUN

Anybody can be born right-handed. Only the best of us overcome it.

"Real programmers don't document.
If it was hard to write it should be hard to understand."

Hinds' Law of Computer Programming
    1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
    5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
        programmer who must maintain it.
    7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and
        you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

Meskimen's Law
        There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

Rhode's Corollary to Hoare's Law
        Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine
        struggling to be free.

Thoreau's Theories of Adaptation
    1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
        commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
        command structure.
    2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in
        the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're
        left with a useless routine.
    3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead
        to work in improving user's "computer literacy".
    4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!

Unnamed Law
        If it happens, it must be possible.

Goodbye, ciao, auf wiedersehen, aloha, adieu, au revoir, adios, addio, adeus,
dag, adj”, farvel, do widzenia, sbohen, zbogom, hyvasti, over and out,
istenhozz„d, allaha ismarladik, selemat tinggal, adia–, do zvid…nia, andi'o,
ila al-laqaa, shalom, seid gezund, sayoonara, kwaheri

Q:  If George Orwell were alive and hacking today, what would be his
    favorite programming language?
A:  C -- because it's double plus good!

Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
to be sure.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin,
please your Majesty ?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning,", the
King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end:
then stop."
                         - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Digger's Rule: More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but check for Greek soldiers elsewhere.

Fudd's First Law: If you push something hard enough it will fall over.

Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your neck leaks.

HELP!  I'm trapped inside a human body!

Happiness is twin floppies.

I know it all.
I just can't remember it all at once.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Programming done here:
FAST   SMALL   CHEAP
Pick any two.

"What did you do with the tribbles, Mr. Scott?"
"I gi' them t' the Klingons, sair!"
                                - The Trouble With Tribbles

"There's a sucker born every minute."
                                        P.T. Barnum

| "It's not the size of
|  the disk that matters,
|  it's the way it's
|  formatted..."

"I'll take the .45 longslide with laser sight."
"Hokay."
"I'll take the Uzi in nine millimetre."
"OK"
"A pulse-plasma rifle in the forty-watt range."
"Just what you see, pal!"
                            Arnold Scharzenegger/The Terminator

                      Answers: $1.00
              Correct answers: $2.00
Answers which require thought: $5.00
Dumb looks are still free                   

"You gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem, know
 when to load 'em up, know when to run.
 You don't count your money when you're sittin' at the keyboard.
 There'll be plenty time for countin' when the program's done."
 - Anonymous

Ya gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem
know when to optimize, know when to run.
You don't count your cycles when your sittin' at the keyboard
there's time enough for countin' when compilin's done.

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You'll get up to go to the bathroom in a few minutes.
 You're seeing the screen in yellow, and you have a green monitor.
 You sit doubled over and scrunched sideways.
 You leave a trail to the bathroom.

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You'll turn the computer off and watch the rest of Airwolf.
 Everyone else has gone to bed.
 It's 1:15 AM, and you have to get up for work at 5:45.
 You wake up at 4:17 with QWERTY permanently embossed on your face.

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You talk to someone on the phone, and say, "Well, I'll log off now."
 People wonder why you don't speak English any more.
 You say "I need a couple of floppies," and your mother washes your
 mouth out with soap................

 "Well, kid, you can keep the antique weaponry. I'll take a good old blaster 
any time."                              -- Han Solo

"May the Force be with you."            -- Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Hit the hyperdrive, Chewie!"           -- Han Solo

"I am your father!"                     -- Darth Vader

"Do or do not. There is no try."        -- Yoda

"Who's scruffy lookin'"                 -- Han Solo

"Ko slay ack nie"                       -- Jabba The Hutt


Think!                  -- IBM's motto

Be alert!  America needs more lerts.

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in fall.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you;
if you don't bet, you can't win.  -- Lazarus Long

The extended Murphy's Law:
If a series of events can go wrong,
it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
  1.  If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
  2.  If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.

Manubay's First Law for Programmers:
If a programmer's modification of an existing program works,
it's probably not what the users want.

Manubay's Second Law for Programmers:
Users don't know what they really want, 
but they know for certain what they don't want.

The Pineapple Principle:
The best parts of anything are always impossible
to remove from the worst parts.

Pope's Law:
Chipped dishes never break.

Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Murray's Laws:
  1.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
  2.  Never ask a salesman if his is a good price.

The Poker Principle:
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Rush's Rule of Gravity:
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall
nearby while all other coins will roll out of sight.

Dykstra's Law:
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

"In closing..." is always followed by the other half of the speech.

"Push" is the force exerted on the door marked PULL.

Give me a home where the buffalo roam,
and you've got a room full of buffalo chips.
      Sitting Bull's Observation

A man with one watch knows what time it is;
a man with two watches is never sure.
     - The Timex Law

Trust everybody; but always cut the cards.
     - Piana's Principle

"Why stand when you can sit?
  Why sit when you can recline?
   Why walk when you can drive?
    Why drive when you can ride?"
         -- From the "Couch Potatos' Handbook", 1985 Edition

A fool and his money are invited places.
      Anonymous

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

When the wolf is chasing the sleigh, throw him a
raisin cookie but don't stop to bake him a cake.
      Banacek

!lanimret siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.

God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.

In case of fire, yell FIRE!
     - The Management -

Profanity is the language most programmers know best.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
    - Zen Buddhism

What happens to your fist when you open your hand?
    - Zen Buddhism

Writing a program is nothing but debugging a blank page.
    - Anonymous but frustrated Stanford programmer

Quote for the day:
"         "
    - Marcel Marceau

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You don't leave your fly open in a pressure suit.
    - Larry Niven

"No matter where you go...There you are."
      Buckaroo Banzai

Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
     check.
 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light
    objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.

Desk: A wastbasket with drawers.

A .44 magnum beats four aces.

I'm a hacker and I'm OK
I work all night and I sleep all day.
I'll have a system of my own someday,
that'll run my code in a hacked up way.
      (with no apologies whatever to Monty Python)


Procedures for Electronic Instrument Repair:
  Step 3
   In a forceful manner, recite Ohm's Law to the instrument.
   (Caution: BEFORE TAKING THIS STEP, REFER TO A HANDBOOK TO BE SURE OF YOUR
   KNOWLEDGE OF OHM'S LAW.)  This will prove to the instrument that you do
   know something.  This is a drastic step and should only be taken if the
   first two steps fail.  If this step fails, proceed to step 4.

Procedures for Electronic Instrument Repair:
  Step 4
   Jar the instrument slightly.  This may take anything from a three to six
   foot drop, preferably on a concrete floor.  However, you must be careful
   with this step because, while jarring in the approved method of repair,
   you must not mar the floor.  Again, this is a very drastic step.  If it
   should fail, proceed to step 5.

Procedures for Electronic Instrument Repair:
  Step 5
   Brandish a large screwdriver in a menacing manner.  This will frighten
   the instrument and demonstrates the deadly "SHORT CIRCUIT" technique.
   If this step fails, proceed to step 6.

Procedures for Electronic Instrument Repair:
  Step 6
   Add a tube...even if the instrument is solid state.  This will prove to
   the instrument that you are familiar with the design of the instrument.
   Also, this will increase your advantage and confuse the instrument.
   If this step fails, proceed to the most drastic and dangerous step of
   all, step 7.  It is very seldom used and is the last resort if all else
   fails.

Procedures for Electronic Instrument Repair:
  Step 7
   Think...!? Is the most dangerous step of all!  It is very seldom used and
   is the last resort if all else fails.

Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be canceled.

Finagle's First Rule: 
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Rule: 
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Third Rule: 
Always draw your curves first, then plot your data.

Finagle's Fourth Rule: 
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Finagle's Fifth Rule: 
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.

Finagle's Sixth Rule:
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Finagle's Eighth Rule: 
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1.  If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2.  If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3.  If it doesn't work, it's physics.

1. Never be first.
2. Never be last. 
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Anthony's Law of Force: 
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Alan's Corollary:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

Bocklage's Law:
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Bicycle Law:
  All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
  A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
  A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
  A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.

Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Corollary to Edwards' Time/Effort Law:
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need he's sure to
remember you - the next time he's in need.

Doane's Second Law of Procrastination:
The slower one works, the fewer mistakes one makes.

Devries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 
the one you don't want will hit the paper.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Fahnestock's Rule:
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The pet principle: 
No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
  A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Greer's Third Law: 
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

Gibb's Law:
  Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Hanggi's Law:
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and
agree.

Hershiser's First Rule: 
Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't.

Hershiser's Second Rule: 
The Label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.

If it looks easy, it's tough...
If it looks tough, it's impossible.

If there are only two shows on TV worth watching this week,
they will be on at the same time.

It works better if you plug it in.

If it jams, force it.... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Jacob's Law: 
To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Kovac's conundrum: 
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of Tests: 80% of the final will be on the one 
lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.

Law of Tests: When reviewing your notes before an 
exam, the most important ones will be illegible.

Law of Reruns:
  If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Lyall's Conjecture:
  If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
  The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Lowe's Law:
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Murphy's Flu Philosophy: 
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life

Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Moser's Law of Sports:
 Exciting plays only occur when you're watching
 the scoreboard or buying a hot dog.

Matz's Maxim: 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Perkin's postulate:
  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Pinto's Law:
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Pudder's Law:
Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

Rule of Accuracy:
  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.

Skoff's Law: 
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

Second Law of Photography:
The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Sueker's Note:
  If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

Steele's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something...I believe I'll have another drink.

The one time of the day you lean back and relax is 
the one time of the day the boss walks throught the office.

The telephone will ring when you are outside
the door fumbling for your keys.

The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.

The Whispered Rule:
  People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The Golden Rule:
  He who has the gold, makes the rules.

There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone he can blame it on.

The Sausage Principle:
  People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.

When all else fails, read the documentation!

Wright's First Law of Quality:
Quality is inversely proportional to the
time left for completion of the project.

Woltman's Law:
  Never program and drink beer at the same time.

You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.

Zymurgy's Labor Law:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"There are two things I dislike in a person - absentmindedness and... and...
. . . I can't remember the other one."

"Lead, follow, or get the Hell out of the way!"

GLITCH - a bug with ambition.

DATA - the first words of a baby programmer

CPU - C3PO's mother.

ASCII - usually used in pairs used for going down a snowy hill.

The ANY key - that big long thing on the bottom of the keyboard.

Advanced Programming Languages:
-> C- 
 This language is named for the grade received by its creator
 when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.
 C- is best described as a "low level" language. In fact, the language
 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements
 to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

Pediddel - n. A car with only one working headlight.

MacIntosh: (n.) a computer designed for users who can't read.

BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word oxymoron.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Felson's Law:
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Laws of Scientific Progress:
  1.  Exceptions always outnumber rules.
  2.  There are always exceptions to established exceptions.
  3.  By the time one masters the exceptions, no one recalls the
      rules to which they apply.

Law of Arrival:
Those who live closest arrive latest.

Sintetos' First Law of Consumerism:
A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product
will self-destruct on the 61st day.

Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you 
had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

de la Lastra's Law:
  After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover,
  it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.   

de la Lastra's Corollary:
  After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
  it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.


Goodbye, ciao, auf wiedersehen, aloha, adieu, au revoir, adios, addio, adeus,
dag, adj, farvel, do widzenia, sbohen, zbogom, hyvasti, over and out,
istenhozzd, allaha ismarladik, selemat tinggal, adia, do zvidnia, andi'o,
ila al-laqaa, shalom, seid gezund, sayoonara, kwaheri