Internet Joke File An American tutor who has worked with ESL students meets her new student from Japan. Tutor: Do you speak English? Student: (Shakes his head) Tutor: (Thinks for a while)...Do you speak Engrish? Student: (Nods his head enthusiastically)! Tutor: (Grins) IN A TOKYO HOTEL Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things is please not to read notis. IN ANOTHER JAPANESE HOTEL ROOM Please to bathe inside the tub. IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR Please leave your values at the front desk. IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS Visitors are expected to complain between the hours of 9 and 11am daily. IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. IN A JAPANESE HOTEL You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. IN A TOKYO BAR Special cocktails for the lady with nuts. IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE We take your bags and send them in all directions. ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. AT A BUDAPEST ZOO Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR Specialist in women and other diseases. IN AN ACAPAULCO HOTEL The manager has personally passed all the water served here. IN A TOKYO SHOP Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they're best in the long run. FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER Cooles and Heates if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour. TWO ENTRANCE SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE English well talking. Here speaching American. Educational Humor These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Respiration is composed of two acts,first inspiration, and then expectoration. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five- a, e, i, o, and u. The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.