Quotes



"Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun." - Pablo Picasso


"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life." - Sandra Carey


"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." - H.L. Mencken


"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." - anonymous


"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." - anonymous


"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." - General George S. Patton Jr.


"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" - Art Hoppe


"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read." - Mark Twain


"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." - Arthur Block


"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions." - Wilson Mizner


"A hospital is no place to be sick." - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer


"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately they don't have a J.O.B." - "Fats" Domino


"A man can do what he wants, but not what he wants." - Arthur Schoperhauer


"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin


"An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them." - Werner Heisenberg


"Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic." - Arthur C. Clarke


"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying." - Fran Franklin


"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." - Ambrose Bierce


"Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is Genius." - George Bernard Shaw


"Death and taxes may always be with us, but death at least doesn't get any worse." - Los Angeles Times Syndicate


"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." - David Lloyd George


"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward." - anonymous


"Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding." - Abraham Kaplan


"God wisely designed the human body so the we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily." - unknown


"Good judgement comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgement." - anonymous


"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people." - W.C. Fields


"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asamov


"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way." - Mark Twain


"I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant


"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire, French writer and philosopher (1694-1778)


"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx


"I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom." - Anatole France


"I've gone into hundreds of (fortune tellers' parlors), and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrester her." - N.Y.C. detective


"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." - George Winters


"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." - Harry S. Truman, U.S. President (1884-1972)


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson


"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein


"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language." - Mark Twain


"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good people at heart." - Anne Frank


"It is always brave to say what everyone thinks." - Georges Duhamel, French author (1884-1966)


"It is bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew W. Mathis


"It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious." - anonymous


"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel


"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." - Mark Twain


"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." - Steven Wright


"Love your neighbors, but don't pull down the fence." - Chinese proverb


"Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Albert Einstein


"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." - Groucho Marx


"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant


"Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting." - Billy Rose


"Often it is fatal to live too long." - Racine


"One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing." - Frank Sheed


"Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness." - Vladimir Nabokov


"Pedestrians never seem to realize that they are a threat to the safety of cars." - Thomas Sowell


"People who feel well are sick people neglecting themselves." - Jules Romains


"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - Confucius


"Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them cleaner." - Andrew Malcolm


"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards." - Fred Hoyle


"Tell the truth and run." - Yugoslav proverb


"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease." - Voltaire


"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." - Arthur C. Clarke


"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost


"The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion." - Arnold H. Glascow


"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 2, act ii


"The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive." - John Sladek


"The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out." - Tennessee Williams


"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein


"The universe is looking less and less like a great machine and more and more like a great thought." - Ortega y Gasset


"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad." - Salvador Dali


"There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant


"Throw a lucky man in the sea, and he will come up with a fish in his mouth." - Arab proverb


"Too much of a good thing is wonderful." - Mae West


"Unless a man feels he has a good memory, he should never venture to lie." - Montaigne


"We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." - John W. Gardner


"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Dwight D. Eisenhower


"When a dog bites a man, that's not news because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news." - John Bogart, American journalist


"When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred." - Thomas Jefferson


"When things go wrong, don't go with them." - anonymous


"Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?" - Artemus Ward


"You can't have every thing. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright


"Do not unto others that you would not have them do unto you." - The Golden Rule


Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


A day without sunshine is like, night.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


Remember, half the people you know are below average.


Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I intend to live forever - so far, so good.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.


If many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


The truth hurts for a moment. A lie hurts for eternity.


Live forever, or die trying


A dream is a wish your heart makes.


Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.


If it happens, it must be possible.


HELP! I'm trapped inside a human body!


Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


"Push" is the force exerted on the door marked PULL.


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You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.


Never leave your fly open in a pressure suit.


Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be canceled.


Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life


Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.


Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.


To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited while imagination embraces the entire world.


There is no great genius without some touch of madness.


I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.


I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.


I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom.


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.


My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.


Often it is fatal to live too long.


One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing.


The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.


The shortest distance between two points is under construction.


The universe is looking less and less like a great machine and more and more like a great thought.


There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.


Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?


Anybody can be born right-handed. Only the best of us overcome it.


If it happens, it must be possible.


Happiness is twin floppies.


The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.


Be alert! The world needs more lerts.


Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in fall.


God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.


Profanity is the language most programmers know best.


The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.


It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark


Desk: A wastbasket with drawers.


A .44 magnum beats four aces.


Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.


Don't force it, get a larger hammer.


He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.


Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.


It works better if you plug it in.


If it jams, force it.... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.


To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.


If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.


The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.


Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.


People will believe anything if you whisper it.


There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.


When all else fails, read the documentation!


Never program and drink beer at the same time.


You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


People are always available for work in the past tense.


Lead, follow, or get the Hell out of the way!


GLITCH - a bug with ambition.


DATA - the first words of a baby programmer


CPU - C3PO's mother.


ASCII - usually used in pairs used for going down a snowy hill.


The ANY key - that big long thing on the bottom of the keyboard.


Pediddel - (n.) A car with only one working headlight.


BASIC - (n.) a computer one-word oxymoron.


I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.


I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


Those who live closest arrive latest.


Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.


umop apisdn


I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept.


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.


Pragmatism is the philosophy of doing that which works, no matter what your mother might have told you.


A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.


We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.


I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.


I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.


Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.


It's not the bullet that kills you it's the hole.


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.


Lord, how the day passes! It's like a life - so quickly when we don't watch it, and so slowly if we do.


[this space for rent]


We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation


Men get laid, but women get screwed.


I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"


Despair leads to boredom, electronic games, computer hacking, poetry, and other bad habits.


The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.


If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.


Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!


I wouldn't say he's cheap, but mine is one of the few wedding rings that decodes secret messages


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.


Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


Hello, I must be going.


There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire


He who quits and runs away will live to quit another day.


I want to marry the girl in her twenties who knows the words to "Sh-Boom." But if she's got them tattooed on her butt, forget it, because that's just weird.


After all, I couldn't make a picture called "In Search of Spock" and have it end with Captain Kirk turning to the audience and saying, "Sorry, folks, we just couldn't find him." - Leonard Nimoy, Director of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock


The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.


The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.


Due to the shape of the North American Elk's esophagus. even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word lasagna.


In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.


Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.


In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams


The important thing is never to stop questioning.


Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.


Mr. T: Gimme a cup of coffee! Waiter: How do you want it? Mr. T: In a cup, fool!


If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.


Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.


When I die, bury me deep, with a bag of reefer at my feet and a pack of papers in my hand and I'll roll my way to the promise land.


Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


There are three degrees of being weird. They are: (1) Salvageably weird. (2) Weird. (3) Irrevocably weird.


Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.


What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?


All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.


Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like there is no one watching.


Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative.


Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it.


Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.


Flammable and Inflammable mean the same thing.


If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not your sport.


Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.


You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would of thought of that!'


I'm not weird, I'm gifted.


A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).


When all else fails, fail yourself as well...and call life's bluff.


I got into bed last night and looked at all the stars in the sky, then thought "Where the hell is my ceiling?


The great genius is the one who can do the average thing when everybody else is going crazy!


Things I do for friends are never appriciated so I will just fade back out and go away


The night is my companion .. the solitude my guide.


If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can decapitate today!


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.


The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit


Our passions are true phoenixes. As soon as the old one is consumed, the new one rises forth from its ashes.


He who controls the past controls the future; he who controls the present controls the past.


Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; don't walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and just be my friend.


If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.


In recalling my childhood I like to picture myself as a beehive to which various simple obscure people brought the honey of their knowledge and thoughts on life, generously enriching my character with their own experience. Often this honey was dirty and bitter, but every scrap of knowledge was honey all the same. -Maxim Gorky


Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.


A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.


I don't know who my grandfather was; I'm much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.


It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.


Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.


The mockingbird can change its tune eighty-seven times in seven minutes. Politicians regard this interesting fact with envy.


A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.


When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.


If I speak I am condemned, silent and I am damned.


Rage against the machine. After all, it stole my quarter.


Y2K-Y Jelly: When you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!


Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?


First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered.


Q. What is the world's least visited web site? A. www.dyslexia.com


The weather is here ... wish you were beautiful


Do unto others, then run...


touch;find;finger;unzip;mount;gasp;coredump;umount;zip;done


Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect.


Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.


Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.


The world is nothing but a vast concerted attempt to catch you with your pants down!


The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself


"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do that now.


It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.


Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.


Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.


God bless Atheism!


I drink to make other people interesting.


I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.


Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.


Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.


Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.


"Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog


Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.


What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.


The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.


The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.


How's life? In progress.


Some Fight for Honor, Some Fight for Vengence, Some Fight becuase the don't know any better.


Dyslexics have more fnu


Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy!


I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.


Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.


Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.


Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.


I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.


I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


I have not yet begun to procrastinate.


A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. Knowing this, the weak link will panic, becoming weaker.


It takes courage to stand alone


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.


It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.


Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together


When people say "I'm gonna kick your ass!", they never kick your ass, they punch you in the face.


I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.


Time flies like the wind... Fruit flies like bananas.


What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.


Never argue with an idiot. He'll bring you down to his level, then beat you with experience.


Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?


What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?


I bought a package of batteries, but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again.


All I want to know is who the man is that looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them."


Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.


In the manned space program's early days, Nasa spent $1 million to develop a pen that wrote upside down. The Russians used a pencil.


Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.


Dehydrated H2O: just add water.


Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?


Why do they put braille dots on drive up ATM machines?


If a Seven-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?


If a cow laughed hard enough, would milk come out it's nose?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.


Trying is the first step towards failure.


If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.


Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are you gonna drink that?"


Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.


I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.


Has everyone been incapacitated by a unknown virus introduced into the world population in order to incapacitate internet users by slowing typing speed to a reallllly slow pace ....or am I just lagged?


Ever notice that the AT&T Logo looks like the DEATH STAR?


Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)


When all else fails, read the manual.


SYSOP ('sih sop) n.: the guy laughing at your typing.


Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!


Keyboard missing - press F3 to continue


If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.


UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.


111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


Windows 95 is not a virus. Viruses DO something


Linux is free only if your time is worthless.


Microsoft: This company has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. If problem persists please call the Department of Justice.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm


Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese


I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol


I intend to live forever - so far, so good


I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!


Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!


Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States


Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.


The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.


If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.


24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?


If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.


Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.


Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.


When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!


If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?


Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.


I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?


Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


OK, so what's the speed of dark?


Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!


Black holes are where God divided by zero.


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.


I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.


Telling computer guys that they need to have permission to quote things is like having to tell little children about Death.


The other line moves faster.


Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.


The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.


College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.


If you can't solve it otherwise, get violent.


The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.


You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.


Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


It is easier to get forgivness than to get permission.


Sex is only dirty if you do it right.


If it ain't broke, take it apart, loose a few pieces, and it will be.


There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


I think I could fall madly in bed with you.


You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!


The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.


In 1928, Charles King was re-elected President of Liberia with a majority of 600,000. His opponent claimed that the vote had been rigged as there were only 15,000 people eligible to vote.


The great film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.


I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?


As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?


Due to economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off.


When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!


If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet?


Never knock on Death's door -- ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.


Originality is the art of concealing your sources.


I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t. - Homer Simpson


Snoring is my defense against blind morticians.


Why do our noses run and our feet smell?


You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you should never pick your friends nose.


War does not determine who is right... but who is left.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why we call it the present. - Winnie the Pooh


Don't steal, the government hates competition.


The journey of a thousand miles starts with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.


There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.


Failure is not an option ... It comes preinstalled with your Windows Operating System.


"It has become appallingly apparent that our technology has surpassed our humanity." - Albert Einstein


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


A closed mouth gathers no foot.


Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.


Never critiscize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets mad and comes after you, he has to run a mile with no shoes.


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


No one is listening until you make a mistake.


Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


A full beer is a perfect beer.


I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. - Pete Seeger


Warning on knife: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.


----- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor -----


Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack.


Draft Beer, not people.


Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good dipped in chocolate.


Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda nifty...


"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is AAAHHH THE SUN!!!" *PHOOM!*" - Romeo the Vampire


If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?


See a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have an extra penny.


Save Water. Drink Beer.


A true friend is not the one bailing you out of jail. They're the one sitting next to you saying, "man that was cool".


Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry


When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.


Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.


If the meek shall inherit the earth then we should get rid of them now before they take over.


7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.


It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.


A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.


You know, kids aren't so bad ... if they're cooked right.


Sometimes I find myself wishing that I was a smoker, just so I could quit and buy lots of stuff with the money I'd save on cigarettes.


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


A religious war is like two children fighting over who has the biggest imaginary friend.


How did they know how many Census forms to print out? Someone had to just guess. I mean, we know they're not 100% accurate, couldn't we just take that guys guess?


Blood is thicker than water, but the goldfish don't seem to like it as much.


When you go to get your drivers license renewed, get drunk before they take your picture. That way, when a cop pulls you over and looks at the picture on your license he'll say, "Yeah, you look fine," and let you go.


Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God.


Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.


When I see a street sign that says "SLOW CHILDREN" I think great, now they'll be easier to hit.


Why did they make a car called Kia? Doesn't K.I.A. mean killed in action?


Hitting yourself in the head with a hammer feels so good when you stop.


If you put a cup right side up in a dishwasher, is it considered to be upside down?


Life is divided into two periods: 1) When you wish the liquor store won't card you; and 2) When you wish they would.


Alcohol is the one of the only substances that is commonly both a cause of, and solution to a problem.


It never ceases to amuse me when someone supersizes their meal at a fast food restaurant then they order a diet coke.


It takes many nails to make a baby crib, but only one screw to fill it.


Don't frown, your smile might make someones day.


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their finals.


What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


An alcoholic drinks to get through the day, and an enthusiast gets through the day to drink.


"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." - Ford Prefect


"Ambition is the last refuge of failure." - Oscar Wilde


yvan eht nioj


"The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive." - John Sladek


A Boss: Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early.


Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself.


I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the disk space.


When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Bacon and Eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.




Total Number of Quotes: 503



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